Embers start the flame that sparks a change.

I have always known it isn't healthy to keep everything inside, but I'm not the type of person that just opens up. Not anymore. I was a long time ago, in a land far away. I call that land "naivety". Nowadays, I excel in the art of closing out the world. Now, in no way do I want to become some hermit who steers clear of all humanity, but I am honestly scared shitless of the power that other human beings can have over you once you give them your trust. It's not my imagination. Sure, I may be slightly neurotic sometimes, but it's a thoroughly tested hypothesis that trusting and relying on other people is hazardous to one's health. It's just extremely hard to get a good balance on that line between being careful and being closed off. You have to be very cautious and meticulous or you'll just fall right over the edge. I don't want to back down from the stance I have on who I befriend and who I don't, but I'm really worried that I'm pushing too many people away. I just need to meet some more people like Lizzie, people who let me know that there are still genuinely good human beings walking this Earth.

The fact that I'm still not homesick at all is really surprising me. Maybe I really am ready to do this whole "life" thing. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family, but that's a feeling that will always be there. Here, in California, I feel optimism and back in Alabama it was like living in quick sand, I was completely pessimistic about life. I really do believe that if I had stayed in that place much longer, I'd have gone insane. Living there was a death sentence, because I would've ended up just like my mother and father. There's too much life to be lived to wallow in self-pity for eternity, not making any progress whatsoever.

I wish I had a job already, but that's really my fault. Two part time jobs would be nice, if not one good full-time job. I want to save up as much as possible. If I can get a job paying at least $9.00, then I'll be able to save at least $5,000 by the fall and I won't have to borrow any money from the government for school. Also, I really want to have my own place by next year and I want to fly my brother out to stay with me during the summer for a little while. I am so worried about him. I was such a bad sister. I know I was. I didn't know how to help him. I know everyone said it wasn't my place, but no one else was even trying. Sans Scott Haefner and maybe Grandmommy. She didn't know how to help him either, though. She couldn't really do anything and Mom is WAY too stubborn to admit her faults and just take responsibility for things. All I can do is pray for him and I haven't even been doing that.

My life is absolutely hopeless without my faith and my connection with God and yet, I'm too lazy to get on my knees and talk to the only one who can really help me at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like there's some humungous weight on me that I have yet to overcome and I'm not sure what it is.

I think the first thing I want to buy is a bike. Just a rinky dink one that works, then I'll save up for a Schwinn, like I REALLY want. I think I'm at a really good place in my life, I just need to learn to be self-motivated and actually follow through with it.

This is day twelve in California and though thirteen is supposed to be an unlucky* number, I think it might be a good one for me. Now I'm going to listen to Beirut and try to sleep at least seven hours, then HOPEFULLY get a job tomorrow! Sweetest and most imaginative dreams to you. Goodnight.


*I don't believe in luck.